One year

Today it has officially been one year since our world, my world was rocked upside down, or maybe sideways.

One year ago today I was walking into a normal office visit. Expecting to hear great news. I felt great, fabulous even. Sure, it was hard to sleep, but my energy level was fine, I felt fine. I felt great. I expected to hear more jokes about how long the babies would probably stay in there. I expected to leave with photos of the growing munchkins and a new appointment for the next week.

But that didn't happen. Instead I was told I had to go up to labor and delivery and check in. For probabaly the duration of my pregnancy because I had gone from the 'super cervix' to 'practicaly none' in a week. A million things raced in and out of my head as I walked upstairs with my mom and Isabelle.

Why and how come I had no idea things had changed? I didn't have bags packed. What about the kids, Do I tell David to come home, Are they coming today, How long will I have to be here, Why was this happening.

Within the next few hours I was hooked up, drugged up and trying to communicate what needed to be done to my mom while getting a hold of my husband who was in London, but needed to fly back to Paris, pack the rest of our things, and come home. It was a terrible moment for me. I honestly felt like I was pulling the floor out from both of us. Sending everyone into this spiral of confusion, frustration and on some levels fear.

I wasn't in an emergency state, there were no real signs of eminent labor or emergency deliveries, but due to my history with fast labors the doctor was not taking any chances.  I appreciate his caution, obviously, and even though every rational part of me understood the circumstaces, the lack of 'control' any of us have in anything we are doing, and even though I have complete faith in God's timing, this day is one of the hardest for me.

This is the day I lost some level of connectivitiy to my body.

go ahead and laugh. it does sound silly or strange. some may call it small or irrelevent. Those closest to me and closest to my heart know and understand why this day was so difficult for me. For me, understanding my body, the aches, pains; understanding my strength and weaknesses, my power or lack thereof; my physicality was something I had a clear ability to connect to. I have always been 'connected' to myself. Aware. It has been beneficial when I danced, allowing me to push myself, even if I wasn't able to perform all the skills perfectly, I was able to feel it, connect with it. When I have taught dance or worked with clients as a personal trainer, I have been able to vebalize physical cues or connections. Again, to many this may not make sense or have value, but for me it, it has simply been a part of who I was, part of my identity.

This will always be the day that connection, that awareness was lost. For the first time I didn't recognize what my body was doing or why it was doing things. I wasn't able to connect to what was happening. I had no idea why it was happening. Every rational part of my human body knew God was in control. Every rational inch of my trusted His way. I wasn't mad or angry, I wasn't scared or worried. I was full of hope and trust in His plan for our family. But on another level I was guilty. I felt I should have seen something coming, should have 'felt' things changing and somehow stipped whatever was happening from happening. I was more upset that I didn't 'feel' things changing. Like somehow I had missed the signs, and if I had seen them I could have prevented everyone from having to jump into action to take care of my kids, and rush back from Paris. On some level I felt like I had let everyone down. And I know, again, I didn't. I know, again, I had no control over all these circumstances. And I know, again God was in control and it worked out perfectly in His way.

I am grateful for the amazing children we have who just went along with all the sudden change; grateful for my husband who dropped it all to come home; grateful for the nurses and doctors who encouraged me; grateful for my parents who sprang into action never hesitating for a moment and kept my kids lives as normal as possible.

 For 12 days I was in the hospital before the twins arrived. For 12 days I did what they asked. The babies grew strong and arrived healthy and 'big' for their age. Those days will forever be more than my 'mini' vacation, or the nights I actually slept {thanks docs} - they are the days I had to let go. Trusting that even though I had lost this connection to my physical self, someday, somehow God-willing, I would be able to find it again. I had to find it again.

Its been a year and I have not yet 're-connected' I have not found what I lost. But so much has happened, so much has changed and so much has bloomed into tiny, magical miracles. My life has been enriched, my days have been many, and God has showered me and my family with endless love, forgiveness and strength..

but more on my 29th year tomorrow

=)

"be joyful always, pray continuously & give thanks in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you through Christ Jesus"

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18