30

Thirty years.

I have been a part of this world for thirty years. I still don't believe it, nor do I feel it, but its true. I don't feel old, or anything like that, I am not inspired to get out and do something or commemorate this day. Instead I did something totally normal; I reflected back on who I was, and who I am. A lot has happened in these first thirty years; I have grown from a child, to a young woman; a daughter, to a girlfriend, a fiancee, a wife and a mother. I have grown in size and stature. My hormones have been raging and now completely wacko. And I know I am right where I am supposed to be.

I have learned a few things. Since I became a mom, I have found myself journaling more to my children. Its sort of 'moms honest view of what really went down,' you know, just in case something happens they will have more perspective on me, or when I am old they can laugh at my stories, i like to tell them how to survive some of the realities of life, hopefully with grace, honor and a lot of laughter or wine, whichever they choose... whatever. My point being, I was doing this for them and for me, too, and decided to share. its a little deep - but hey, whatever...

Things I have learned in my first 30 years :

1. life as a kid wasn't all that bad.

i had two parents, a home, a dog or two or three, i was part of teams, programs, activities and more. i was pushed emotionally, physically and mentally to do my best. i was loved. i felt love, knew love, and valued all that love had to offer.

2. mom and dad were right...

...well, a lot more than i wanted to admit as a kid, and even more so when i was in college. and now, as a wife and a mother i see things so much clearer. i have amazing parents. simply put... thank you. thank you for teaching me so many things, so many skills, behaviors, habits, probably not intentionally, but you did raise me, and i am grateful for the perspective you put in my life, the communication skills you taught me, the habit of considering everyone and everything, even the smallest of things in life, before constructing a framework around what i saw or what happened. basically, you raised me to think before i speak, to listen with both my ears and my eyes and my heart. you raised me to believe in God and trust Him, you raised me to be grateful, always; to be strong and confident - you allowed me to have my own voice, experience my own victories and loses with strength; you allowed me to grow, leaning on you when i needed to. i cannot remember a day or a moment you ever told me you were disappointed in me, my choices, my actions or my behavior. though I am sure there had to be times i didn't do or say what you thought best or maybe even what you thought God had planned for me, yet you trusted Him and you never confronted me or made me feel less than wonderful in your eyes. i cannot express enough gratitude in how you raised me for it has allowed me to stand tall and strong against so many things. i love you guys.

3. its okay to be unique

but you can't live life thinking you are special and therefore somehow exempt from things or better than someone or something. its okay to want to shine, be heard, be a leader or a follower or whatever. its okay to not follow the crowd, its okay to stand alone or maybe have a small circle of trusted friends. keep them close, those who understand you will love you for who you are, always, and will always be there. its okay to not like what everyone else does, its okay to stand tall in your beliefs. learn how to speak your strength or your opinion without hurting others, learn how to have grace and respect, be mindful of others hearts. you learn this after yours gets trampled on a few hundreds time, sometimes by those who say they love you or care for you, yet have no tact in stating their opinions. you don't have to change who you are because someone else doesn't understand it.

4. practice forgiveness

often.  it is hard, or it can be. Learn to hope in repentance in others, rather than judgement. God is the only one allowed to judge. remind yourself of this often, especially when others are attacking who you are, where you came from, or what you stand for. you are not allowed to judge. practice hoping for their repentance, a change in the heart; do not hope in judgement. practice forgiveness. even though you may find yourself asking " well after I have forgiven them 490 times then what? can i be mad then ;) {see Matthew:18:22}  "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North really hits home with me on this one. Listen to it if you find yourself struggling to practice forgiveness.

5. people hide behind technology

its nice and safe if you type it, send it and don't have to experience the hurt or pain or frustration or whatever you cause a person. intentionally or not, its almost impossible to accurately gather someones intentions/motives/emotions from written text. don't hide behind your typed words. if you love someone, if you are mad or angry or hurt... use your voice, listen with your eyes, your ears and your heart. I'm not an idiot, of course technology is helpful ,efficient and can do lots of wonderful things; however, when it comes to communicating with those you love or care for it seems a bit impersonal

6. learn the art of listening

thank you Ms.Holland and all you PALs for insisting I learn how to listen to others; how to demonstrate active listening. how to listen and respond carefully and mindfully. without your 2 years of practice and instruction I would be a different person. seriously, i am more annoyed by people who fake listen than anything else. no joke, i kid you not, my children will learn the art of listening. it is not about allowing the sound to enter your ear; your eyes, your entire body, your subtle motions to show you heard what I said, your acknowledging phrases have to be part of listening --- They are important, they validate so much, they show me you heard me. you heard me instead of forming your next attack, getting defensive or ignoring me. listening is an art because you have to practice it. how a person listens to others says a lot about how much love, care and respect someone and what they are saying.

7. remember Galatians 5:6

"... the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"

8. memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

" Love is patient, 
love is kind. 
It does not envy, 
it does not boast, 
it is not proud. 
It does not dishonor others, 
it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered, 
it keeps no record of wrongs. 
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 
It always protects, 
always trusts, 
always hopes, 
always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

9 your understanding of love will grow deeper and become way more complicated

seventh grade, ninth grade - none of it matters. you didn't really know love then. honestly, you had a very small understanding of what the larger picture was. Love was not about : a) family love or b) boys... love is way bigger, way better and way more confusing. for a long time it will be all fluffy and exciting. that's called college. if you are lucky, your prayers will be answered early. I sat on the floor of our cabin with the Storey and Meredith for some girl quiet time at the Getaway the summer before 11th grade. For me, it was a tough summer... ya know, back in the days when boys were all the problem. My mom liked to call it back when I was 'healthy'  -thanks mom-... i sat their with those two girls and just prayed to God, asking for Him to make my husband strong in his relationship with God; i prayed for my husband, whoever he would be... and then we sat there, quietly,... listening. And then it happened, one of those rare times I knew I 'heard' God - I remember telling them "I have a feeling I am supposed to meet my husband in high school" and I remember thinking I was crazy. but I did. I met him junior year, though apparently the first time was sometime in 8th grade, and five years later we married. and now, seven years and 4 kiddos later my understanding of love has changed, drastically.

love. the word is used so freely. i love this, or i love that, or i love everyone or everything. God tells us "the only thing that matters is faith acting through love " and He gives us a clear definition of what love is. I look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 often, in fact it sits on our fireplace mantel. When life isn't easy, or the picture isn't a fairy tale; when things happen, when worldly nonsense fills my mind and my heart I try to focus on that definition of love. I try to reflect on my emotions my reactions my way of 'loving' and see if it is what God wants us to do. It is what matters.

When my children are, well, acting like children... it is patient

When I see a place i could offer help or a simple act ... it is kind

When the days are long and hard and difficult and full of nonstop chaos, the days when motherhood is not pretty, fun or full of yummy treats and fluffly baskets of clean clothes ... it does not envy

When  I could tell you all about the wonderful thing I did and how everyone always love it ... it does not boast

When I want to turn my head to the fact we live with a lot luxuries others don't or cant experience... it is not proud

When I really want to hand out reality checks ... it does not dishonor others

When life is easier my way .. it is not self-seeking

When children push every button i have, twist my arm, bite my leg and pull my hair ... it is not easily angered

When I am tempted to write that book my closest friends keep telling me to write ... it keeps no record of wrong

When it hurts so bad I hope for judgement instead of repentance ... it does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth

When those i love are hurt so deeply... it always protects

When the circumstances seem unbearable ... it always hopes

When the world seems to be crashing down, when life gets complicated, or hard, or ugly or messy ... it always perseveres

LOVE NEVER FAILS

I must say the greatest things i have experienced in my first thirty years begin with my parents, are met in the middle with my closest girl friends, are wrapped in endless, unconditional love with my husband and are overflowing with the smallest of miracles... our four children. 

I am grateful, truly grateful. May God allow me thirty more years full of blessings and miracles and moments to grow and demonstrate His love.